first posted on Saturday, November 19, 2005
first posted on Saturday, November 19, 2005
the doubter doubts,
the believer believes,
both are traveling in the same boat,
blindly trying to plug those leaks.
-inspired by Osho.
have a soulful day ahead
is there any genuinely ‘wild’ place left within my mind? can i embark on a breathtaking journey through the bogs and beaches of my existence and discover something undiscovered about me? OR have society and civilization ruined me for good? can i climb or walk or dive through dense layers of what i’ve been taught and sleep on the cliffs of un-reason risking to be blown away or to find my original self? OR do i’ve to agree that all that could have been found has been found and that there are no pure places where GPS and google and packaged forays into the conscious can’t reach? am i lost to myself? OR is there some hope, still…?
Only if He had allowed him to pack his bags and leave… allowed him to stuff cartons with the things he needed, the scrolls he had stored over the years, the posters he had pasted on his walls, the albums he had assembled, that hidden chest of coins, those certificates, the memories, the opportunity to say goodbye to those walls for one last time…instead, he was thrown away at a moment’s notice, not allowed to re-enter, to even look back, thrown away in a pandemonium of indecision and a frenzied chaos where he had to make do with whatever he had, with whoever he had…only if he had been given a chance, only if He had heard him once, realized his pain of being exiled from the place one calls home…if only
begins with the end, and ends with the beginning
a life comes to standstill, the world keeps spinning
love in thy heart, will sure lead to suffering
don’t reach for the moon, her mirage heartbreaking
life is an idle pursuit, for the one still living
what becomes of him, with that beloved unwilling
the poet weeps, to leave his abode enduring
new raiments he must find, for a destiny alluring
it all came to naught- the preparations, the planning
the more he played, the more he kept losing
and lay it face down on the table in front of you. you see it there, red, slimy, its veins and arteries connecting it to your body. it stays there beating, hungry, thirsty for your blood, as much you yourself are for its glug, glug, glug…it stays there different then what it was when inside, but still as important, maybe even more important than it was before. now that it is out, you cannot take it with you wherever you go and slowly the distance keeps increasing, first a few steps, then a room or a house and then maybe you two are existing in different worlds altogether…the sad part is, it keeps beating, you keep living.
i guess he first talked to her on some summer afternoon in the year 2006. if i knew what she was going to be in his life, ‘his life’, i would have noted down the exact date and time of that phone call. was it just a coincidence that a very dear friend of ours was with two aquarian friends of her own that day? yeah, that triggered it, of all things a shared zodiac…is this how soul mates meet? by accidents?
though i don’t believe in all this gooey stuff, the wizened old man that i’ve now become, what matters is that he does. they both do.
the next time he talked to her she was doing the laundry at her house. so to the background noise of a washing machine, she listened to his gyaan-giving session about how she should drop her teaching career and really do this journalism course and follow her dreams and all that…imagine talking to a girl for only the second time and giving unsolicited life advice!
anyways, and looking back at it, am not actually surprised at how they managed to talk to each other later on. he was coming out of a painful past and she was at the end of one rocky relationship. so a few months later, he decided that he wants to talk to her for the rest of his life. though i can guarantee you that he’s not much of a talker, kinda boring fella. he asked her whether she would like to be with him in the years ahead. after a minor pause, she said yes. (by the way, that part of the story you can read here.)
it has been more than 6 years now and they have been continuously at each other’s throat… i mean talking to each other day after day, everyday. these past few months though there has been a break of sorts.
now they don’t get to talk to each other that much. and when they do, it is all about the things that are keeping them apart. like today, on the day of her favorite festival, he hasn’t talked to her for 23 hours. today, they are alone, surrounded by happy, smiling people around them.
and i’m worried about them.
i don’t know what the future holds for them. whether they’ll finally be together, talking for the rest of their lives or whether silence will take over the world that they’ve tried building together.
if it happens, i don’t want to write about the time they’ll last talk to each other. i guess i won’t be able to.
is a dark void
than things present in life
an exile is
like a mirror
when you stand a bit apart
you discover yourself better
as i run away from you
or you from me (but what’s the difference now)
i see more of me
and you, in exile