Words

soon, it will be two years, since we first accidently talked to each other. was that the real beginning?
soon, ‘ll be celebrating my second birthday with her. and soon, she’ll be celebrating her second one with me. remembering the day i messaged her, ‘a birthday wish from a stranger’. did that started it all?
soon, it will be two years since i first saw her and felt so shy, that i couldn’t talk to her. that, i’m sure was not the beginning!
‘cos she wondered, ‘what was she doing there.’ and we’ll keep wondering throughout our lives, what is it that draws strangers near and who is it that paints a story dear.
a story of telephone, sms, bus tickets, office visits, shared songs, poetry, tears, laughs, sitting by the roadsides, walking slowly to destinations, meetings, separations, joys, heart aches, of doubts, dangers, wishes, prayers, trust, faith, of giggles, pranks, surprises, festivals, traditions, celebrations, dreams, doings, lives and yes, of love.
of loves.
this sunday afternoon, when i was reading the rays sprinkled on her face, the delicate skill of light, writing verse in shadows, i yearned again for her to be there with me, forever. and this, perhaps is the real beginning.
a moment of love that starts it all over again.
and again.

Its strange that it struck me today only. The silence of my usual mornings.

It’s an inanimate silence that fills my mornings these days. The day starts with the alarm ringing at 5:30. Ding-da-ding-da-ding-ding, Ding-da-ding-da-ding-ding of a Punjabi bhangra tune. Rather loud I feel. I keep pressing the snooze button for those precious ten minute gaps. So, I get up at anytime on 5:40, 5:50 or 6:00. After that, I am late.

By now, the mind starts its day-long, self chatting. How I wish, I could just keep it on snooze sometimes.

The next physical sound I get to hear is of me opening the room’s door. That rare creakingly-jointed sound of wood and iron found only on wooden doors. The slight, krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr of a horror movie. Then there’s the kitchen light switch that is heard next. Is it a click? Or a flick? Or is there any sound at all? Does the light that floods the room magically has a voice? Perhaps no. Light is mostly silent I see. And if she had, what she would have said to me? Good morning?

Then there’s the tap opening up, like unscrewing a well, tap? The gurgling water filling up the pan, and again its sound is as distinct as an individual. If my flat mates have left some dishes overnight, which they usually do, then there’s this scrubby, spongy sound of soap against metal also. The weighted turning on of the cooking gas’ knob, the sparking scratchy friction of the match stick, the slow simmering of water and milk, the hissing sound that boiling water makes to the slow bud-bud-bud of tea filling up an empty glass or mug.

More sounds follow, the flicking opening of other light switches, the turning on and low or loud mechanical humming (depending on its mood) of the electric motor that fills up my bucket with fresh bath water, the slow careful immersion of the immersion rod in it and the slight sizzle it produces when the water gets more that warm.
The hushed rustle of clothes, the loud squeak of clothing closet doors, the round & square opening & closing of the round & square breakfast containers, the twitch of joints, the almost inaudible sound of soap over my body and the loud splash of water crashing on it and flowing through to the floor and the drain. The zirrrp of the zip, the scrucc of the shoe laces, the chewing of food between teeth or the gulp of milk, so much of variety and more. But not a single human sound.

Maybe a nervous twitch or sleepy groan from Vir or Dhruv or Homan (my flat mates) when I switch on sudden lights. Maybe a couple of phone calls (from home or from her), which either I don’t take or take always in extreme hurry depending upon how late I am for office.

But not a single human sound usually. Infact the first time I hear my own voice two hours after getting up is when I get a cycle rickshaw and ask the man, “Metro?”

And then, her call, and the day comes alive.

i don’t know what’s bugging me these days. i haven’t written anything. no new poem, no story, no anecdote, nothing, for ages it seems. m i less creative than before? no. am i short on time as compared to my previous job? no. infact, now that i am settled here, i should be getting more time to pursue my creative journeys. am i pressurising myself, to perform beyond my expectations or limitations? perhaps yes. limitations, i don’t believe in. especially of mind. but there is a bounding limit, that separates me from others. it is not the question of more creative or less, it is of the difference i bring to the paper. or the monitor.

the trouble is, whenever i sit down to write something for my pleasure (as opposed to the job of a professional advertisement writer i have), i feel i am wasting my time. that in the same hour or so i’ll take to compose a story, i should get a few chapters ahead on my studies or should give that client brief one more try. who knows, an award winning idea might be on the way.

i decide not to write. to keep the thought away. for someday, sometime else.

is it helping me?

i don’t think so. it hurts. and now, some days later, i fell blanked out. as if, the stream has dried up somehow.

i’ve to find time out for myself, within these 24 hours. i’ve cut down on my sleep. from 8 to less than 6 hours now. i travel 4 hours, and in 4 different modes of transport, to and from office. half of that, i try to utilise in studying. but frankly speaking, the masters in english literature are not very conducive to be followed in crowded buses and metro and rickshaws.

rest of the major problems are still minor and if all of this comes across as a rant, then, i think i am ranting a bit.

is there a solution to this?

could you suggest me a way out?

🙂

hope the new year has begun well with you guys. as for me, i’m typing this out from my cabin in the new workplace i joined two weeks back. it’s a bigger, better agency and i suppose i’ll emerge a new, improved copywriter out of it.

life has been a bit busier than usual and i’m guilty of not visiting your blogs for quite a while. but, now that i’m settling in this place, and settling well, i hope to be a regular again in the blogworld.

meanwhile, if you got bored of my prose and poetry and dreams and love, then there’s this other blog i’ve attempted. u can click the link, here.

rest, ummm, am feeling a bit out of words actually, so will c ya again, shortly.

take care.

and yes, lets begin the new year with a smile.

frankly speaking, i don’t know, what i’ll be writing here in the coming days.
so, well, errr, beware?!.