Words

how this morning brings her presence to me, when these eyes are still half-open, when the dreams are still half-extinguished, when the lazy morning is getting up lazily, when the feelings are still taking shape, how the morning brings her name to me.

this i won’t even attempt to translate 🙂
perhaps aditi again or sigma or dee might help 😉
i’ll post the translation then.

i’ve been blue or euphoric enough not to write anything for the last few days. its all how you interpret. yeah revealed, u’ve noticed that, and how more right you could be, gotta bleed to feel the blood flowing in my veins 🙂

some people might call me stupid, irrational, overtly sentimental, which i agree i am, but i also can’t leave that moment when i left her on the platform. standing alone by herself. god knows i can write about a lot of things. even now, i’ve a job list full of medicated oils, construction projects, beauty brochures, textile mills and what not. plus, there’s so much to talk; delhi, winters, cricket, politics, society, news, personalities… there are a thousand things which i can blabber about. all i need is willing ears 😉

but i can’t just stop talking about her. like, for example, with her, even the dried out, brown leaves falling from trees look beautiful. like, how she makes silence sound the most wonderful thing in the world, i can write poetry, i can tell you about this very moment, like, how at 6pm in the evening, when its pitch black and drizzling outside, the first winter showers, all i wish is her to be with me.

i m sorry if i’ve bored people here, but to be true, i felt, its only after getting this post out of my system will i be able to say anything more.

perhaps today, perhaps tomorrow.

delhidreams, hmmm, it has an altogether different feel now 🙂

the metro coach’s floor is of a blue-grey colour. with little white and little black dots spread out on it. seven pair of footwear sit in front of me. and six beside me. two on my left, three on my right. i notice my own shoes. the same leather ones that took me to the hills. and came back well, as well. seem a bit old and wrinkled now. or perhaps i haven’t polished them after coming back. hmmm. people wear an assortment of footwear these days. its not like the old times, when there were black leather formals & white sports shoes for gents and sandals/slippers of some variety for the ladies. a whole range of footwear options is on display here.

the floor has a thin layer of dirt & grime over it. its a layer, bearing distinct and varied marks, left over the day’s span. metro coach floors are cleaner by any standard from other public transport in delhi. still, this many people coming and going, do leave marks over time.

perhaps, it might be a bit cleaner in the morning. i promise myself to take an early metro someday, just to verify this fact. i smile. and i smile at myself thinking this. its my old sarcastic smile.

been half an hour since i’ve looked up. since i looked up at anything. or anyone. i know there are people all around. chattering, blabberring, normally-happy-and-normally-unhappy-with-this-world-people. going on with their daily lives.

then there are all these feet. moving, shuffling, sitting lazily or standing firm. feet coming in, feet going out…bags, luggage…so much to see, to ponder upon, to avoid the gaze of this so called normal world.

half an hour ago, i left her standing on ‘my’ side of the metro platform. it was a morning well lived. campus, nirula’s, kathi roll’s, coffee’s, chai’s; walking, sitting, talking, listening; harry potter books for gudiya’s b’day gift, and the coelho she took for herself; a whole world came to an end with a hug and a goodbye. its always difficult for us. so, a goodbye sans words.

she just stood there and smiled as i entered and found this seat in the metro coach. for the last half an hour, i’ve not looked up at all. something is welling-up from inside. and i don’t want these others to see what is going through my mind.

and i’m so blue without her.

pinaki da, my boss & our production head, mr. harsh (bandhu) had an accident last night. boss’ car was hit on the left side & dragged till 50 metres by a drunken truck driver. its fortunate that both of them survived unhurt. actually, its miraculous. u can guage the intensity of the impact from the pics.

here, it was the truck driver who was drunk but it could have been anyone in his place. i would request everyone, please don’t drink and drive. if not for your sake, than for your loved ones, pls. do not drive if you can’t control.

velu nair, the good teacher tagged me for the first time. and as all obedient students, i took the work home and did it at leisure. its another thing that i did only the first part, ‘cos i was more interested in the happy memories than the sad ones.

the tag says, list 8 things about your childhood that make you grin, and 8 others that make you groan. i didn’t think, i’d many, but i was mistaken. thanks velu, for reminding me those good times. to be at ease, i kept the age limit till 12 years, as the teen that grew up later was a profoundly bored one. perhaps from there i’ll find the second part of this tag 🙂 and i’ll increase the tag things to 10. a little bit of liberty with rules is allowed, i guess!

10 child things, i still smile at:

01.) sleeping on my pa’s stomach. or in his arms. that was heaven.

02.) my little, blue rubber slippers. i loved them so much that i wore them in my hands. had a song for them too. ye dekho, meri choti-choti chapplein. roughly translated, that goes like, ‘see here, my little-little slippers’!!!

03.) sliding on staircase railings from the 4th floor where we lived to the ground floor. it resulted in lots of torn half-pants though.

04.) my leo-mattel cars, local made cars, vehicles, trucks, tanks, anything that moved on wheels and household junk. plus, to a lesser part, the g.i. joe and he-man stuff too. coupled with some imagination- whole cities, armies, civilizations used to come alive. and were destroyed as rapidly too.

05.) bringing all the stray puppies in the locality home. feeding them, bathing them and when mummy threw them out threatning to put me n my brother out too, making temporary shelters for them. with red bricks or with wet mud. they didn’t last a day though, and neither the puppies. perhaps, they didn’t like their new homes much.

06.) roaming around ‘after’ my brother. he never took me along. and i never left him alone.

07.) sugar. the only blame in my otherwise pious, subdued, shy childhood. used to steal sugar from my favourite neighbourhood aunt’s kitchen. so much, that she shifted the jar to the topmost shelf and i got worms. but then, the homoeopathic medicines i got, were sweet too.

08.) a scolding from pa was so rare, it made me do a little revolution of my kind. i ran away from home one evening. ran away two blocks apart, sat there watching children play, felt cold and scared that ma & pa will forget me. so came back after half an hour. but, i still stand by the fact that i ran away from home.

09.) cricket. scoring runs, foxing batsmen with spin bowling, fielding- like my life depended on that one run… nothing felt more engaging than the game itself. i love cricket.

10.) qayamat se qayamat tak. we were certified movie addicts. and the rented vcr wallah, bansal videos (i remember the name till date) were very happy with us. watched qsqt at 9 years of age, fell in love with the lead actress, juhi chawla immediately. my first love. and i imagined myself as the hero, amir khan. perhaps till date.

i guess 10 are enough. although i’ve a few more. and i would like to add reading as the most enjoyable thing i ever did. ever. but, not many here will associate it with ‘fun’. the second, more serious part of the tag will come later. then i’ll tag other children too 🙂 the new kids on delhidreams mostly. till then, have fun.

hmmm. so the teacher manages a good job everytime. yes suparna, that’s the muse 🙂

i was away. and came back yesterday. too tired, with a slightly damaged knee and a much calmer mind. it was an official trip, extended into a holiday, paying greetings to the Mother Goddess, residing up there in the hills.

from Kathua to Katra, to the Vaishno Devi Temple, back to Jammu & to Delhi. At last. one thing i realised quickly though. all those bollywood movies were not ‘that’ crap. you do happen to miss the one you love so much to see her face amongst strangers, to catch her glimpse at the most unlikeliest of places and to feel her presence almost everywhere you go. and then you smile, nod your head in disbelief and move on.

hmmm. its not everyday that dear boss catches me in a meeting, sporting a totally blank look and smiling all too often for comfort. its even better he didn’t check the notes i was scribbling.

all through the journey; in cars, in trains, in markets, in temples, while meeting people, while leaving places, in hotel rooms, on open terraces, on window seats, with music beats, while climbing a mountain and while limping back to where it all started…all through the journey, just one thought, one desire, one silent dream from within…’wish she was here.’

life is not my own anymore. it has become something significant to be shared together. shared between two people, still a distance apart.

i was away and i came back yesterday. and i missed her. and i still wish she was there. and i wish she was here.

p.s. most of the pics we clicked there were deleted accidentally. so i might not be having much except the big textile mill in Kathua, where we went to as their advertising agency. Kathua, is a few hours away from Jammu, the winter capital of the northenmost state of Jammu & Kashmir. From Jammu, the devotees go to Katra, sort of a base camp for the climb to the hill-based shrine of Goddess, Shri Vaishno Devi. Sadly, it has become more of a tourist spot in recent years. The climb is of 14kms of metalled roads with all the facilities one usually requires. By the time i reached up, a long lost twich in the left knee locked it completely. We’d the most memorable of ‘darshan’ (glimpse) at the temple. Being a part of the morning puja is truly a unique memory. Mind you, not much people are fortunate enough for that. Returning, i had to trudge half way back before finding a horse. And it was not much of a comfort as well. The knee still aches. The memories, definitely will stay longer than the pain 🙂 Jai Mata Di.

All the people who read this blog know me through the beautiful words of one of the most beautiful person i have met in this life n well it was accidental. For a change i agree with him.
Adi is going to the hills for a trip(wish i could go along), where i leave it to him to describe when he comes back…

Teacher…